Worthless
by Sara's Earliest Works
Summary: More wangsty suicide. This time it's not a dream. NephritexJadeite. Extreme OOC warning.


"Worthless"  
by Sara Jaye 

Oh, look. Another morbid Dark Kingdom yaoi fanfic by Sara Jaye. Written while she was having another one of her depression episodes. Late at night. What else is new? Oh, right. This isn't about Kunzite&Zoisite for once. It's about Nephrite&Jadeite. And it's not just a dream.  
That said, you know the drill. You don't like morbid, depressing stories, cursing, or yaoi, don't read this.

Disclaimers: Sailor Moon is the property of Naoko Takeuchi and Toei animation. None of the characters belong to me.  
This story is yaoi, depressing, contains strong language, and is very morbid, so if that kind of thing bothers you, you may want to close this window. Otherwise, enjoy!

"You're pathetic."

He glared at the reflection in his mirror. The bruises. The scrapes. The mussed blonde hair. The tortured blue eyes, red and swollen from crying. The pale, washed-out skin. The torn, bloodstained gray uniform jacket.

He'd lost yet another battle against the Sailor Senshi, and as if that wasn't enough, not only Queen Beryl, but the other 3 generals had laid into him good. Not just mere reprimands, insults, and threats this time. And this time it was not just Queen Beryl who slapped him. Kunzite, Zoisite, and Nephrite had thrown a few punches as well, shortly after they had run into him in the hallway. His heart ached as he remembered the cruel things they'd said...

"You are a complete idiot!"

"Can't you do anything right? Every mission you've been trusted with you've somehow managed to fuck up royally!"

"You're so stupid."

"Why don't you just give up? You'll always be a complete and utter failure no matter how hard you try."

"You had to have fucked your way in. There's no way Queen Beryl hired you for your intelligence or skills."

"You'll never be anything important or accomplish anything, you loser."

"Shut up! You expect us to care what you have to say after that you did to us? After you cost the Dark Kingdom another battle!"

"One of these days you're going to get yourself killed. And you know something? No one's gonna care. You're worthless, Jadeite. Completely and utterly worthless."

That last one hurt the most, but it was more the person who spoke them than the words themselves. He could still hear the deep, angry, mocking voice in his head...the voice of the one who meant more to him than anything.

"Nephrite-sama..."

Jadeite collapsed to his knees, his head in his hands as his eyes overflowed once more. He loved Nephrite with all his heart and soul, and knowing he viewed him as worthless was the most painful feeling in existence...one that wrenched at his soul, stabbed at his heart like a thousand swords. Just living each day, knowing Nephrite couldn't care less about him or his feelings hurt him so much it was all he could do not to break down...

Until now.

Everything he had been trying to keep under wraps, or ignore, had been ignited with the single flame of hurtful words, and he didn't even want to try and put it out. His life had been going downhill for too long, and every day it got worse and worse. Spiraling into a depression so deep he couldn't dig himself out even if he tried. His life was empty and meaningless. He was completely alone. No one gave a damn about him, he never did anything right, he was trapped in this miserable, cold, soulless kingdom working for a selfish, sadistic queen, and his own coworkers, whom had once been his best friends, had turned their backs on him. And of course, there was Nephrite. The one whose love he would never have.

He couldn't take this anymore. He was sick and tired of being alone, with nothing to live for...no purpose in life other than to run around stealing energy and losing to 3 teenage girls. Over and over, Nephrite's words repeated in his mind.

"You're worthless."

"I am worthless...what right have I to be in love with you? What makes me think you could ever feel the same way? That I would ever deserve you?" Jadeite sobbed, his shoulders and chest heaving violently as tears continued to pour down his cheeks. Knowing he could never be with the one he loved hurt him more than anything else. If he couldn't have Nephrite, what was to live for?

"Nothing..."

Absolutely nothing.

There was no point in living anymore, he decided as he shakily got up. Yanking open a desk drawer, he felt around for a moment before he found what he was looking for. The answer to all his problems. He grabbed it, slammed the drawer shut, then looked at the razor blade in his hand.

"What good is living when you've got nothing to live for, anyway?" he mused, tearing open the cuffs of his jacket and bringing the blade closer to his wrists.

'At last...my torture will finally end...' he thought as he slashed his left wrist.

Meanwhile, Nephrite was wandering through corridors, a shadow of guilt hanging over him. The hurtful things he had shouted at Jadeite a while ago still repeated in his mind as he cursed his temper. How could he have laid into him like that? He didn't show it very often, but in truth, he really did care about Jadeite. A lot. He didn't mean to hurt him by being so cold and angry all the time, but he just couldn't help it sometimes. Like the other 3 generals he worked with, he was still in a lot of pain from a troubled home life, haunted by memories of a previous life, and was still suffering the blow of losing the one he loved to someone else.

"Zoisite...why did you have to chose him and not me? Why were you always so blind to my affections?" he wondered aloud. "If I had just told you, then maybe we'd still be friends...I know you'd have still chosen Kunzite over me anyway, but at least I'd have told you." Nephrite sighed as he approached Jadeite's bedroom door. He could only pray Jadeite would forgive him, or accept his apology at the least. 'Though I certainly don't blame you if you won't,' he thought. Drawing in a deep breath, he slowly knocked on the door-and was surprised when it opened. "Hmm...I thought it'd be locked," he mused. "Ah, well." Shrugging, he headed inside.

"Jadeite?"

Jadeite dropped his blade as he heard the door open. Silently cursing himself for not locking it earlier, he simply picked up the blade and resumed cutting his other wrist. Blood ran freely down his arms, soaking the torn sleeves of his jacket all the way to his elbows. He felt weak, dizzy and lightheaded...but at the same time relieved, as he was finally going to be free of this hell that was his life...

Then he heard a voice calling his name from the doorway.

The voice of the one person he didn't want to see right now.

"Jadeite, look, I want to apologize for coming down so hard on you before. I just really think you can do your job better than you've been lately...I shouldn't have said all those things. I certainly didn't mean them."

Nephrite...

Jadeite forced himself to ignore the other man...as much as he loved him, it was just too painful. He knew Nephrite had meant every word he'd said. After all, it was only the truth. Slowly, he dragged the razor across his left wrist once more before he let it drop to the floor next to his bed. Then he collapsed, feeling completely drained and barely able to breathe...now all he had to do was just wait to die...

"Jadeite?" Nephrite called again when there was no answer. "Mad at me, huh? Well, it's not like I blame you much," he sighed, walking in and closing the door. Immediately, he could sense that something wasn't right, and it was more than just Jadeite being mad at him.

Not 10 seconds after he walked in, his suspicions were confirmed. When he noticed something staining the floor. Something crimson, with a metallic fragrance...

Blood.

'...He didn't...please, tell me he didn't,' Nephrite thought, panicking as he followed the red trail over to the desk.

"No...!"

Nephrite froze at the sight before him, the color draining from his face and a wave of nausea hitting him. He sank to his knees beside the crumpled, heavily-bleeding, just barely alive Jadeite.

"Jadeite...oh, Jadeite, what have I done!" he cried out, impulsively gathering the blonde in his arms. Jadeite only smiled weakly, his eyes just barely open as he looked up at Nephrite.

"Nephrite-sama...before I die, I must tell you...my true feelings," he whispered, taking Nephrite's hand in his own. Blood dripped from Jadeite onto Nephrite's uniform, but Nephrite couldn't care less.

"Jadeite..."

"I...love you, Nephrite-sama...I always have...just...remember that...it's all I ask..."

WHAT!

Nephrite felt as if he'd just been kicked in the chest. Jadeite LOVED him!

'After I've been so horrible to him...so cold, angry, and saying all of those hurtful things, he's loved me all this time...how could I have been such a bastard?'

"Jadeite..." Nephrite finally regained his voice after a long moment, tears filling his eyes. "Jadeite, I'm so sorry...I-I had no idea you felt that way..."

"Please...don't feel sorry, I...know your opinion of me, how you feel about me...I'm worthless...I just...had to tell you this.  
before I died..."

Worthless...Nephrite closed his eyes, shuddering as he remembered the last thing he'd said to Jadeite in the hallway.

'You're worthless, Jadeite'

'Worthless...damn it, you're anything BUT worthless, Jadeite! Especially to me...you've always been here for me when I was depressed over Zoisite...how could I say such a thing!' Nephrite opened his eyes and looked down at the dying man in his arms...into his eyes.  
those stormy blue eyes that were once so beautiful, caring, determined, full of life, were now glassy, dark...devoid of the shine they once held...

"Jadeite...I didn't mean what I said before, you're not worthless...please, don't say that about yourself..."

"Don't apologize. You were only telling the truth," Jadeite whispered.

"No, Jadeite..."

"I'm just...glad that I got to see you one last time before I died...I know you'll forget me in time...that's okay..."

"Jadeite, don't leave me!" Nephrite pleaded, but Jadeite's eyes had begun to close.

"Goodbye, Nephrite-sama..." With those final words, Jadeite's eyes closed for the last time...never to open again...

"JADEITE!"

Nephrite broke down, sobbing uncontrollably as he held the smaller man's lifeless form close to him. Blood staining his uniform and his hands.

"Jadeite...gomen nasai..." he sobbed as he rocked back and forth, tears streaming down his cheeks.

"...I love you..."

Wait...he loved Jadeite! But...how!

"No...I'm just freaking out because I lost my best friend.  
I-I don't LOVE him..."

He was still hurting over Zoisite...no, it wasn't just Zoisite. He'd been depressed more than usual lately, and couldn't figure out why.

Until now.

'My feelings for him WERE more than just mere friendship...' he whispered. 'How could I have been so blind? Not only to my own feelings, but to his? I...I hurt him exactly the same way Zoisite hurt me...and he wasn't as strong as I was...'

"I do love him..." Nephrite finally realized much too late. Jadeite was gone now.

Because of him.

'Whoever said words don't hurt was lying...they not only hurt, but they kill...' Nephrite thought.

Worthless...

"You were never the worthless one, Jadeite...it is I who am truly worthless..." he whispered, tears running down his cheeks in a continuous stream. Just then, he caught sight of the razor lying on the floor. "There's only one thing left for me to do now," he said, picking it up. Slowly, he opened the cuff of his jacket and cut across the back of his arm once. Just once-not enough to bleed to death, as he knew Jadeite wouldn't have wanted him to die. Smiling slightly, he watched the blood run out onto Jadeite's wrist, as their hands were still intertwined.

"Until we meet again, Jadeite-kun."

End

Well, this actually ended up taking me 3 nights to finish.  
and by the time I was done I wasn't as depressed...well, I was still down and out, but not in the same way. Just...tired, out of sorts from not sleeping till 6am the last 2 days, worried.  
It probably seems a little disjointed or doesn't make much sense in a few places, or the thoughts seem kinda fragmented, but.  
well, my mind wasn't working so well. But at least I wrote something:P And for once, I had a character actually stay dead:P ahem Anyway...I apologize for seeming cold or angry in the beginning disclaimers...I was REALLY upset when I started writing this thing. If you think this story was morbid, you should see the 'companion piece' wallpaper I made a couple nights ago. Xx;  
I better shut up now, though. I'm rambling...again.  
Ja ne!


End file.
